My Brother

November 15, 2017November 15, 2017 ~ Nancy Malcolm ~ 3 Comments

I had a wonderful visit with my older brother recently. It is always a tender feeling to be with the one person who knows my beginning; the one person who traveled the same path in childhood.

I am amazed to look into his eyes and see a part of our parents and even myself. One glance into his eyes and I feel his love and compassion. His eyes say ‘I know’, and that is enough for me.

We know our story together and yet we each have our own interpretation. It is not uncommon for siblings to tell completely different tales of the same upbringing. We are all individuals with our own experiences.

Yet, ‘we know’. My brother is four years older than me. When our mother died, his eight-year-old self already had so many more memories and experiences than my four-year-old self. He knew.

Although I don’t recall us as kids, ever really talking about her death, he has been gracious with his memories through the years. Some of his memories have become mine. I’ll always be grateful for that.

Whenever I am fortunate enough to spend time with my brother, I feel comforted. As our eyes lock, we see our story flash by. Sometimes briefly and vague and sometimes, we stop to tell it again.
No one else in my life will ever share my story. He is my link to our past and my anchor to the future. He knows, and that is more than enough for me.

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Happy Birthday Mom

September 28, 2017 ~ Nancy Malcolm ~ Leave a comment

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Make a Wish
I haven’t always known my mother’s birthdate. I’m sure my daddy thought about it as every September rolled around and she was not here to celebrate, but he rarely spoke of it.

About twenty years ago, Auntie Sue began calling me on my mother’s birthday, September 28. She would call while I was getting ready for work, sometimes at 6:30 a.m. “Hi honey,” she would say. “I’m still sittin’ ugly, but I wanted to remember your mother on her special day.” Then she would tell me a quick little story about her or just tell me something about her personality. Most of the time we would laugh while she was telling her story, but we both knew our tears would flow as soon as we hung up.

As I’m prone to do, I imagine that I would have been a wonderful daughter. I would have called, sent gifts and baked a cake. I could imagine her eyes lighting up and us hugging as we both said, “I love you!”.

But, the truth is probably somewhere between my imagination and reality. I might have been busy with my own life and children and only managed a phone call or card purchased hurriedly to make it on time. I’ll never know how it might have been.

But today, I am wishing my mother a Happy Birthday. Today, I am remembering a story Auntie Sue might have called to tell me. I’m missing these two special ladies, but I’m happy they are together and celebrating within the Pearly Gates. Who knows….they may be eating some heavenly delicious cake! I hope so.

Happy Birthday Mom!

Resting in Peace

September 2, 2017 ~ Nancy Malcolm ~ 4 Comments

My dad was always wanting us to visit our mother. After church on Sundays, he would suggest we stop by and see Mom, to pay our respects. My brother, dad and I would stand at my mother’s grave and silently stare at it. Sometimes we would bend down to clear the grass or pick a weed so the marble headstone would stay pristine. What a sight we must have been to other mourners; a grieving widower and two small children.

As a young child, I was never quite sure what I was supposed to do or say while we were standing there. I just knew Daddy needed it and he wanted us to have whatever closeness or comfort the visit could provide. As strange as it may sound, for us, this was a perfectly normal thing to do.

As I grew up, the visits became less frequent, being relegated to holidays or important milestones. In high school, I went even less often, partly because I was ‘too busy’ and partly because I was a little embarrassed to show that un-cool side of myself; that side that was still hurting.

When my brother or I would come home from college, my dad would always ask, “Would you like to go by and see your mother?” Sometimes we would ask him first and I could tell he was pleased, his answer always yes. Often, as we stood there, he would tell us a story or share a memory about her. He so wanted us to find solace there, just as he did. I could tell he never wanted to leave, hating for her to be alone.

Through the years my desire to visit the cemetery changed. It may have been because I had moved away and we were no longer just a short drive apart. I especially wanted to visit her when I first married and became a mother myself. I knew she really wasn’t in that grave, but I also had no other place to go where I knew her spirit would be. I had no memories of our time together, no past heart-to-heart chats to recall. I only had this place, where somehow I knew I could find her and she would be waiting there for me.

A few years ago, I went back home for a high school reunion and visited the cemetery, perhaps for the last time. As I got out of the car, I slowly walked up the familiar hill to my mother’s grave. The only difference this time was that my daddy laid next to her. Strangely, as I stood there, I knew they both were at peace. They were finally together again and I was satisfied with that realization.

I don’t know if I will ever visit that cemetery again. My whole family resides there except my brother and me. Grandparents, parents and an aunt all underneath the Panhandle sky.

I am grateful for the effort my father made to keep us all connected. He did the best he could; I wholeheartedly believe that now. My peace has come with time and work.

I may feel the need to return there again. But, for now, I know that their home is in my heart, not in that grounded space, and with that, I do find comfort. The comfort I was searching for was inside of me all along.

Dear Daughter,

July 23, 2017July 23, 2017 ~ Nancy Malcolm ~ 1 Comment

Dear Daughter,

It is impossible to predict circumstances or situations that might befall us. You did not choose the life that was given you. I did not choose to be motherless, just as you had no choice in being without a grandmother.

I feel it sometimes when I recall my own Grandma. She taught me to sew and fixed me old-fashioned hot cakes in a cast iron skillet. When I spent the night with her, she would tuck me in, piling home-made quilts on top before telling me she loved me.

I hear it in your voice when you say we spoil our grandkids by giving them too much or catering to their wishes. I forget that you didn’t have that. You didn’t have a grandmother’s love. You may not know that it is a grandmother’s privilege to give this unconditional outpouring to her grandchildren. I have heard it said that a grandmother is like an angel who takes you under her wing, she prayers and watches over you and she would give you anything.

Just as I cannot know what my relationship would have been with my mother, I cannot know how she would have been as a grandmother to you. I cannot predict how the past might have been. I cannot describe what never was. But, I am sorry you didn’t have a grandmother. I’m sad you missed that bond as you grew up. I would give anything to have her here for you as well as myself.

It seems unbelievably unfair that we have had to navigate life without a mother and a grandmother, but, we have done just that. Perhaps, in a quiet moment, we can reflect on our depth and our capacity to love even though our guide was not able to be with us. Somehow, we learned to be in this world while receiving our direction from above.
Christopher Morley said, “It is as grandmothers, that our mothers come into the fullness of their grace.” As I am coming into the fullness of my grace, I wish for you to feel your grandmother’s love through me. When you see my interactions with the grandchildren, stop and feel the love for yourself. Whatever I do, say, feel and express to them…..take it into your heart. Let the little child within you be at peace, and as you do this, feel your grandmother’s love through me. The healing balm of her love transcends time and space, we have only to believe…..and I do.
Love always

The Autumn of My Life

July 7, 2017 ~ Nancy Malcolm ~ 4 Comments

Old Grief and New Loss The Autumn of my life began in July 1977. I was 8 months pregnant when I suddenly went into labor and delivered my daughter….stillborn.

As suddenly as a life is conceived, a life may end. As much as we may want, anticipate and long for a child, we may equally grieve and mourn and fall prey to depression. There is no guidebook or manual to read that instructs us on how to be…how to cope… or how to live with the sadness.

Because my mother died when I was very young, I didn’t know what to expect with pregnancy or delivery. I didn’t know about children or even the smallest part of mothering. You would think, however, that I would have known how to deal with the loss and pain, but alas.. I did not.

It seems I was completely inept at grieving. All the years of missing my mother somehow tumbled into the loss of my child. It became one and the same. Old grief and new loss melded.

Through time, of course, a slow mending began and healing took root, but parts were hard and lonely and dark. Then finally, another pregnancy. During this 2nd pregnancy, I dared not to plan or prepare. I waited to think of names and I drug my feet at buying a crib. Then somewhere after the 8th month, I took a breath and instinctively knew it would be ok. I felt an inkling of peace, a boost of hope, and a firm resolve that no matter what, everything would be alright. And, it was.

My Autumn would turn 40 years old this July. In my mind, she is a baby. A wee little soul flying back from whence she came. I sometimes like to think that maybe my mother is holding my daughter. Hopefully, my mother was there to meet her as she floated to the other side. Perhaps, the two of them have enjoyed these 40 years together as grandmother and grandchild. It heals my soul to think so. My mother, who never lived to be a grandmother and my daughter, who didn’t live to be a child, living perfectly together, healed and whole; connected, just like I would have wanted.

Someday, when my time here is ended, I know those two will be there to greet me as I cross the bridge. Hand in hand, two souls will welcome me and whisper, “We missed you!” My heart will know them instantly and in that moment, the Autumn of my life will be complete.

Good Girls

May 30, 2017 ~ Nancy Malcolm ~ Leave a comment

Good Girls

For most of my life, my only parent was my Dad. My whole viewpoint came from a male perspective and yet, instinctively I knew there was undoubtedly another way.

My dad, although his male view was domineering, tried to teach me what being a woman meant, particularly as he thought my mother might have wanted.

Mostly he guided me with a firm hand and lots of rules, some spoken…some unspoken. On one hand, his rules protected me and on the other hand, they stifled me. I was always led by what “good girls” did or didn’t do and by what my mother would have wanted, according to my dad.

Did he really know what she would have wanted for me? Did he even want to know what she would have thought? He always assumed he knew best, but would she have thought so, too? I wonder.

Growing up in the 50’s and 60’s, girls were given fewer choices or options for their lives. It was always an unspoken rule that I would go to college. It was acceptable to be a teacher or a nurse or a stay-at-home mother. My dad always said two things about college: 1. You need to go to college so you can find an intelligent, hardworking husband. 2. You need to go to college in case your husband dies and you have to work someday.

Marriage was the main goal for all “good girls” because of course, we could not be expected to take care of ourselves. We needed a man.

Good girls wore a white wedding dress and meant it.

Good girls went to Church,

Cooked dinner every night,

Were well read,

Could dance,

Play tennis,

Played a musical instrument,

Held intelligent conversations,

Always looked attractive,

Were frugal with money,

Sewed,

Were good mothers,

And had some outside activity ie. bridge, church groups or volunteering

Some of these rules have served me well. In fact, all of these rules, in and of themselves, are wholesome and commendable. But, what about life outside of the rules? What about the un rules?

Follow your heart.

Dare to dream big.

Take a risk.

Think for yourself.

Say yes.

Try something new.

I know my dad did the best he knew how. I know that now. I didn’t think so for many years; in fact, my anger at him would sometimes squelch all attempts to understand him. My anger believed he was stubborn, selfish and unyielding.

I’ve come full circle. I can live by my own rules now and yet still be appreciative of his. I can be compassionate instead of angry and see that his rules were just his way of showing me love and structure. I realize he might have been frightened beyond measure to raise a daughter without my mother. I can finally let him be himself and I can be me. I can dare to dream big, take a risk or follow my heart. After all, I know the rules…all of the rules and I am peaceful in that knowledge. Once a good girl always a good girl? Maybe.

Mother’s Day

May 13, 2017May 17, 2017 ~ Nancy Malcolm ~ 1 Comment

Mother's Day

It’s almost Mother’s Day and for as long as I can remember, it has been a day occupied with countless emotions.

At times, I have approached this day with utter dread. I dread the Hallmark card commercials and florist advertisements. I scoff at those happy mother and child clichés, thinking how out of touch with reality they are. Don’t they know that’s not the way it really is for some of us?

At other times, when my self-pity is at bay, I have so much joy and contentment. I vividly remember my first Mother’s Day with my oldest daughter. I recall opening the gift she and her dad had given me, an orange-flowered nightgown and robe. We had a late big breakfast and later napped together on the couch. I will always remember that feeling and have since had many, many lovely days with my girls. I am amazed and proud and grateful to be a mother.

But, sometimes at the end of my Mother’s Day, I am suddenly taken aback. I forgot her, I scold. I forgot to remember that I am motherless.

I wish I could hire an investigator to find her, like the television show, Long Lost Family. I fantasize that someone would locate her and we would have a wonderful reunion. But alas, all inquiries stop short for the dead.

“Come on,” you may say, “It’s time to get over it…let her go.” The reality is, this is “me” after more than sixty years of letting go. I had no choice, except to do so, and now I can honestly say I feel contentment and even happiness despite the fact of her vacancy. But, still….I miss her. I miss not having a mother. I feel cheated sometimes.

Every year I make a decision to celebrate Mother’s Day. I do so by honoring her memory and acknowledging there is a glorious piece of her in me and in my girls. She is with me, I know.

Abraham Lincoln once said: “I remember my mother’s prayers and they have always followed me. They have clung to me all of my life.” I certainly believe this to be true. I may not remember my mother’s prayers, but I know she breathed them as she said her goodbyes; I know she whispered into God’s ear to especially watch over my brother and me. I have felt her prayers all of my life.

Mother’s Day is unique for everyone. Many of us honor the memory of our mothers. Some of us are fortunate enough to have our mothers nearby and able to celebrate a day and a lifetime of love.

However this Mother’s Day looks for you, I pray that there are peaceful, loving thoughts and heart connections. I encourage you to be the last to let go of a long, tight hug. Whether your celebration is lavish and boisterous, or a quiet, respectful chat at the grave site, I applaud you. Happy Mother’s Day to all mother’s everywhere.

Ode To A Motherless Daughter

April 21, 2017April 21, 2017 ~ Nancy Malcolm ~ 1 Comment

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Ode to a Motherless Daughter:

It comes over me like a heavy wool blanket..it feels warm at first but then the denseness feels like an overpowering pressure that stops me in mid-breath.

This doesn’t happen every day, every week or month, but it will happen and when it does, it takes me by surprise, some 59 years later. I walk by a mirror and glance up into my eyes and for a moment, I see that little girl whose mother is dead. She didn’t go missing, or get lost or move away. She left me in the most permanent of ways.

My mother died of a brain tumor when I was four years old.

No one wants to be that girl without a mother. No one wants to be singled out in such a brazen way, with pitying glances and pats on the head. No one.

“She’s in a better place now”, they said. “She’s out of pain”. I try never to say those phrases to anyone who is hurting, but I’m sure I have. They slipped out of me because I didn’t know what else to say. Me, not know what to say? This is my area of expertise, but still…. My words are silent.

I remember hearing, “She’s in a better place”, but inside I was screaming, “isn’t her better place with me?..wouldn’t she rather be with me”?

I’ve been saying ‘me’ and ‘I’, but in reality, there was an us. My Dad, my brother, and I. I was four and my brother was eight when our mother died. I know my brother still feels the effects of growing up without a mother. I will have to let him have his own story, but I wanted to acknowledge ‘us’, even though no matter how many are affected, it always comes down to one. The ‘me’ in all of us.

Pink spongy rollers and pin curls

My Dad tried. He tried to keep me clean, dressed and my hair looking presentable. There’s evidence of this through photographs with my bangs trimmed unevenly, a homemade dress from my Grandma and a fake smile on my face.

The truth is, I looked motherless.

I felt motherless.

And I knew everyone could tell. I hated that.

Enter, my first bout of shame.

As a female child without a mother, I felt such shame that actually I could feel it throughout my body. I was ashamed. Ashamed of how I looked, how we lived and who I was. It makes no sense to me now, as an adult. Why should I have been ashamed? I did nothing wrong. But as a small child with so many fears and doubts about everything, I felt shame. I had no one who stepped in to help me grieve or question me as to what I was thinking or feeling. We were all in this together….alone.

It’s hard to explain. As Rosie O’Donnell said once, “it’s the dead mothers club. You’re initiated, you get the tattoo and it’s not going away.” And sadly I might add… You are a lifetime member.

I don’t want to end this story on such a sad note, for you see, that is not totally who I am.

Oh, I still have the fear and the overshadowing feeling that everyone else knows the secrets to life, except me.

But, through the years, I believe my God and my mother have sent me guardian angels to light my way. I’ve had a grandmother, my best friends’ mother, a favorite aunt, even sometimes a loving stranger who stepped in with a kind word or encouraging hug. I’ve been blessed with daughters of my own and the best girlfriends in the world.

I have a posse of women who nurture me and love me and help me to know I am enough. And finally now, at 63 years old, I am able to look up into the heavens and not question why, but with a smile in my heart, I am grateful for this life and all I have been given, all I have learned.

Sometimes, my little grandson will look up at me, eyes searching for mine, and smile and kiss my hand. I just melt inside and wish my mother could see him.

I think she does.

My First Lie

February 26, 2017March 2, 2017 ~ Nancy Malcolm ~ Leave a comment

I remember distinctly the day I told my first lie. I was in first grade and Miss Hooper had let my friend and me go down the hall to get a drink at the water fountain. We held hands and our ponytails swung back and forth as we made our way down the hall. We were quietly chatting and my friend suddenly turned to me and said, “You always talk about your Daddy; don’t you have a mother?”

I will never forget that moment. I absolutely froze inside and panicked. I blurted out, “Of course, I do!” and quickly changed the subject. You see, I didn’t want to be different. I didn’t want to be that girl without a mother. I was living a double life already….painfully motherless in most of my life and in denial with made-up stories in the other.

I knew deep in my soul that someday I would have to tell the world, my little world, the truth. My mother was gone and she wasn’t coming back.

No, I didn’t tell my friend the truth that day and it would be years before I could actually say the words out loud. But something changed within me that day and I was never the same.

Hand Over Heart

February 10, 2017 ~ Nancy Malcolm ~ 1 Comment

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After my mother died, my Dad needed help raising my brother and I. It was the 1950’s and we did not use the term “Nanny”. My Dad hired Mrs. Fish as our housekeeper.

Mrs. Fish, or ‘Fishie’ as we called her, lived with us during the week and was off on weekends. She cooked, cleaned, washed, got us off to school and was there when we got home. She was there when I lost a tooth, learned to ride a bike and sold Girl Scout cookies. She cared for us and we grew to depend on and care for her.

This picture was taken soon after Fishie came to live with us. I am struck by the timidness and uncertainty I felt…my shyness still palatable. But, I see something else, something special. This woman, who came to work for an overwrought widower with two small children, put her hand over my heart. This simple gesture said so much. It was a promise that made me feel safe and cared for. It was an outward sign of a caring soul.

Fishie lived with us for six years. Although we lost touch through the years and she has long since passed away, I would very much wish for her to feel my gratitude. I want her to know how much I appreciated her protection…her hand over my heart. In her simple and kind ways she guided me and guarded me and for that, I will always be grateful.