I was not prepared for the relationships with my grown daughters. I am forever their mother, but I am not needed as a parent anymore.
That was and is a hard dynamic for me to change. We wrestle with control and often talk in circles, trying to be heard. We have a back and forth, push and pull dance with multi-meaning dialogues. They seem to understand this much better than I do.
“Mom, I KNOW. I know what I need to do,” I hear them say.
“Mother, you raised us, don’t you realize we KNOW what you think?” they recite.
“Mom, I just want you to listen. You don’t have to fix anything or give advice.”
But, sometimes I say ‘it’ again, only louder or rephrased, thinking they didn’t hear me or quite understand my point. The real point is, I think I know what is best for them and what they should do. On one such occasion when frustrations were high and tempers rising, I heard a voice inside myself whisper,
“Listen. Listen with your heart not your ears.”
My lips clamped shut almost instantly, but my self-righteousness still wanted a voice. Smugness is a deadly sin you see, and even a shaft of light cannot penetrate the hard outer shell of a superior, puffed up wisenheimer. Old habits are hard to break.
My mother died of a brain tumor when I was four years old. In my childish mind I envision myself as the perfect daughter. So perfect in fact, she would never have left me. I would have been obedient, and hung on her every word. I would have sought her wisdom and cherished our talks. I would give anything to hear her voice and listen to her point of view. I saw myself that way and I admonished my girls for taking me for granted. My self pity reminded me that I had no mother to listen to and my ungrateful girls had me.
“Listen,” my whisper said. “Heart listening opens closed doors, hushes smugness, sends love not loathing…listen.”
My sanctimonious attitude does not listen well. It strains to get one more word in. It plans a good comeback. It is selfish and self-centered.
I heard an acronym once: WAIT- Why Am I Talking? There are very few times in life when you should keep talking and talking. Most of life is listening, at least if you want happy relationships and peace.
“Listen” my whisper said. “Hush.”
Listen to the ocean when you are there.
Listen to the toddler ramble on about his musings.
Listen to your husband’s snore and be grateful he is alive.
Listen to the elderly person in the grocery store and ask a question.
Listen to your heart, your gut and your best friend.
I wanted my daughters to listen to me. But, what I really wanted was to be heard. My thoughts, my heart, and my words were all vying for a way out, expressing what was inside. My outside didn’t match my inside and I wanted the real me to be seen and heard. Instead, I said to my daughter, “You’re not listening to me.” Neither one of us was listening and we ended our conversation agreeing to disagree, leaving dissatisfied and hurt.
Finally I got quiet and sat with my hand over my heart, a practice I knew, but had conveniently forgotten. “What’s wrong?” I asked myself. “What can I do to make you feel better?” And then I listened. I heard myself ramble on about my feelings and fears; my doubts and worries; my suggestions for my daughter. Sometimes my worries are so vivid that I can’t seem to stop the cycle of obsessive thoughts. I want my girls to be happy and I mistakenly think I know what is best for them. I forget to remember that my adult children must listen to themselves. They have their own inner guidance and wisdom to tap into and their own hearts to follow. They are wise, strong and courageous.
So, I listened to myself and in the process I did feel heard, all without continuing to talk. My shoulders lowered, my breath deepened and my body finally felt relaxed.
“Go on,” I whispered to myself. “ I’m listening.”